In the last week…
1) My best friend Yancy has always been very slender, and I have always been very wide. My wife said that when we stand together we look like the number 10.
2) A friend asked me, "I want your honest opinion. Is it normal to whistle through your nose – at will?"
3) My sister-in-law will soon have her fourth child, and she is keeping the name of her baby a secret. She hasn’t decided which name she likes, yet. “It’s hard,” she said. “I’ve gone through all twenty-four letters of the alphabet.”
4) I have to admit this one did not happen in the last week, but I did think of it this week. (The entire writing staff of With Both Hands and a Flashlight has voted and said that this counts. Yes, I know, I am the entire writing staff.) Anyway, a guy I used to know was a monarch of mixed metaphors. The longer I knew him, the more absurd they became. Finally, one day in December, he came into the house and said, “Whew! It’s snowing like a big dog out there.” Honestly, how do big dogs snow?
5) I was the only occupant of a public bathroom. A man sat down in the stall next to me and started whispering very loudly, “I don’t know himmm! I don’t know himmm!” He just kept repeating himself. Since we were the only two in there, I assumed he either must be talking to me or about me. So, out of meanness, I said in a deep, gravelly voice, “I am Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots.” Poor guy never even broke rhythm: “I don’t know himmm!”
1) My best friend Yancy has always been very slender, and I have always been very wide. My wife said that when we stand together we look like the number 10.
2) A friend asked me, "I want your honest opinion. Is it normal to whistle through your nose – at will?"
3) My sister-in-law will soon have her fourth child, and she is keeping the name of her baby a secret. She hasn’t decided which name she likes, yet. “It’s hard,” she said. “I’ve gone through all twenty-four letters of the alphabet.”
4) I have to admit this one did not happen in the last week, but I did think of it this week. (The entire writing staff of With Both Hands and a Flashlight has voted and said that this counts. Yes, I know, I am the entire writing staff.) Anyway, a guy I used to know was a monarch of mixed metaphors. The longer I knew him, the more absurd they became. Finally, one day in December, he came into the house and said, “Whew! It’s snowing like a big dog out there.” Honestly, how do big dogs snow?
5) I was the only occupant of a public bathroom. A man sat down in the stall next to me and started whispering very loudly, “I don’t know himmm! I don’t know himmm!” He just kept repeating himself. Since we were the only two in there, I assumed he either must be talking to me or about me. So, out of meanness, I said in a deep, gravelly voice, “I am Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots.” Poor guy never even broke rhythm: “I don’t know himmm!”
No comments:
Post a Comment